Hosta Horoscopes for 2002
- Subject: Hosta Horoscopes for 2002
- From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Glen Williams)
- Date: Wed, 2 Jan 2002 10:20:41 -0500 (EST)
Hosta Horoscopes for 2002 Part I (of 2 parts)
Aquarius January 20 -February 18
Most people born under the sign of Aquarius snivel a lot. They are always
complaining about weeding, fertilizing, watering, the sun, the
rain.....well you get the idea. You should know yourselves well by now.
Lord knows the rest of us do. This year in particular, you need to open
your wallets and purses and buy expensive hostas for all of your friends.
This won't really cost much since you don't have many friends (don't count
the minister, it's his job). Its time to share your garden with your
neighbors. This is a positive step weighed against your constant sniveling
and reprehensible life style. It may very well stop your neighbors from
signing that petition. It will be your last chance. Wear brighter colors
and make personal appearances. Be sure to use Osmocote this year too. There
is going to be a terrifically hot day in May and all of the fertilizer will
leech out and nearly wipe out your hostas. This near death experience for
your plants, will produce some great sports later in the season. Go for
it! Your best hosta buy this year will be: H. ' Golum'.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Because you are under the fish sign you think of yourselves as free
spirits for whom conventional behavior does not apply. The 60's are
dead...watch it. You are both terrifying the paperboy by weeding in the
nude. However, if you insist, at least hand out some of your stash to
soften the visual impact. With luck, the unwary will think they are
hallucinating. You will buy a lot of hostas this year , but you will
discover that planting them, as well as weeding the existing garden has
become a problem because of Moon Pies and New York Cheesecake. Give serious
consideration to aerobics......but NO THONGS! You will be asked to give a
hosta talk at First Look this year. For some reason beyond my capacity to
understand, people will want to hear anecdotes concerning "mysterious
happenings" to you. The speech will go over well if you bring the nude
valley ball game slides instead of your infamous garden shots of the
windmills, waterfalls, water wheels, and cute cement leprechauns. Just
pretend you brought the wrong set of slides. We are an understanding
group.Think of it as comic relief for the hostaholics who attend such
things. Your best buy for a hosta this year will be: H. ' Fig Leaf '.
Aires March 21 - April 19
Your capacity for optimism in the face of adversity has kept you buying
hostas for 15 years now. You have bought the the most expensive plants you
could. You have spent thousands of dollars.People rely on you emotionally
and financially. This year you will meet your greatest challenge. All of
your hostas will die in a freak accident when a comet strikes your garden
on the 21 st of June. There is not a thing you can do about it. The point
is that your garden , and one set of neighbors next door, will be
decimated. You can warn your neighbors but it won't do any good. They are
stubborn. They raise geraniums anyhow...surely that says it all. There is
good news though, and your basic optimism will win out. The $15,000.00 you
have spent on hostas will be wiped out in a flash, but all of the plants
that you once purchased for such outrageous prices,( YES YOU HEARD
ME....ALL OF THEM!) can now be replaced for under $400.00. Your best-buy
hosta of the year will be: H. 'Infidel'.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
As you well know you constantly wear a mask of gracious good will and
saintly behavior. Give it up - we all know better. Your St. Frances of
Assisi routine is a painful to watch. The IRS will be after you this year.
Declaring H. 'Mildred Seaver', H. 'William Lachman', H. 'Frances
Williams', and H' Tootsie' as dependents for the past 6 years was not a
wise move. The good news here is that you can still get away with claiming
H. ' Little John' and H. 'Delta Dawn'. Also, it's time to stop sending out
the kids of the Sunday School class you teach, to steal hostas from others
peoples' gardens with the claim that they are looking for the Easter
Bunny. You may well be invited to dine with some of the luminaries of the
hosta world when attend First Look and the National Convention this year.
They want your help in wiping out the daylily people ; they've got your
number. Play dumb; it won't be hard. Express your gratitude without being
obsequious. Your best buy in hostas this year is H. 'Humility'.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't fear the unknown. You are certainly bi-polar and probably bi-sexual.
Embrace the duality your contradictions: these contradictions will serve
you well in garden circles. This year it would be good to remember that
you are biodegradable too....it will probably be your last year. Be sure to
max out your credit card with the hosta mail order nurseries. You have a
love / hate relationship with hostas. This is not uncommon with Geminies;
it is best deal with by composting expensive hostas and replacing them a
week or two later. It's important to agree with everybody this year. "Go
quietly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be
in silence." Don't leave your Yin and Yang out at night; they are
sensitive to frost. Remember knowing things and actually learning about
anything serves no real purpose. You have made your ignorance work for you
for years; stick with it; where you are going - ignorance will work best
for you. Your hosta for the year is H. ' Beelzebub'
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are an obsessive / compulsive / anally retentive/ bastard. In short an
ideal member for any garden club. This is your year to shine. All of your
breeding work (with hostas!) will win you great acclaim at the First Look
Seedling Competition in July. You will be the proud recipient of lawn
furniture and and your very own barbed-wire gazebo. Your winning hosta
seedlings will be on the Martha Stewart Show. Unfortunately she will refer
to them as Swiss Chard, but those are the breaks. You will learn that
fame is fleeting and will reach the nadir of your existence in only two
more years when you give up hostas completely and are forced to set up a
roadside stand where you and your pet Iguana are forced to sell turnips.
Life is hard...so enjoy this year. Flirtation, at first taken lightly, will
become hot and heavy. Your best buy hosta this year is H.
The following is from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary: Edible, adj.
Good to eat, and wholesome to digest as worm to a toad, a toad to a snake,
a snake to a pig, a pig to a man,and a man to a worm.
20 Dewey St.
Springfield , Vermont
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