> After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a
> cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it,
> he asked the girl if she had one handy. "There might be some matches in
> the top drawer," she replied.
> He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches
> setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. ...Naturally,
> the guy began to worry.
> "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
> "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
> "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
> "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
> "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
> Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
> If you can.....
> If you can start the day without a cigarette,
> If you can start the day without caffeine,
> If you can get going without pep pills,
> If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
> If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
> If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
> If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any
> If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
> through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
> If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
> If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
> If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
> If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
> If you can conquer tension without medical help,
> If you can relax without liquor,
> If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
> If you can say honestly that deep in your heart
> you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
> Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't
you go out with that guy who played the French horn?"
"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea.
"You were really looking forward to it, I remember.
How'd it go?" Lucille leaned forward eagerly.
"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered
Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem..."
"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his
fist up my ass."
It was visitors day at the State Mental Hospital. All the inmates
were standing in the courtyard and singing "AveMaria." And singing
it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one
hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then
approached the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he
said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "What are they
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They are the....
Moron Tapanapple Choir."
><< Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said
>at that dog with one eye!"
>The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
>A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and
>a pack of condoms. "That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
>the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on
>packaging." "Tax," replies the clerk.
>"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they
>A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what
>happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the
>rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the
>and stuck it to my ear."
>"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to
>"The son of a bitch called back."
>This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde women for a
>in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality
>asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead,
>would it be?"
>The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
>One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where
>they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them
>purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
>"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a man on
>street corner. "Sure. It's three fifteen," he replied with a smile.
>"Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face. "You know, it's
>weirdest thing I've been asking that question all day long, and each
>get a different answer."
>A Blonde and a brunette are walking through a park. The brunette looking
>the ground, says, "Look! A dead bird!" The blonde looks up at the sky
>A blonde's house is on fire. She runs outside and yells, "Help me!
>My house is on fire! What do I do?!"
>Someone else yells, "Call 911!"
>The blonde yells back, "What's the number?!
> Subject: THE VETERINARIAN
> Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1000 in the
> collection plate. This went on for weeks until the
> minister, overcome with curiosity, approached her and
> "My dear, I couldn't help but notice that you put
> $1000 a week into the collection plate."
> "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends the
> money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
> "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" the
> minister asked.
> "He sends me $2000 a week," she replied.
> "Your son is very successful," said the minister.
> "What does he do for a living ?"
> "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very
> honorable professional," the minister assured her
> "Where does he practice?"
> "Well," she replied, "he has one cat house in Kansas
> City and another in New Orleans."
> Michigan Cow
> The only cow in a small town in southern Minnesota
> stopped giving milk. The local farmers did some
> research and found that they could buy a cow from Iowa
> for 200 dollars, or one from Michigan for 100 dollars.
> Being frugal Swedes, naturally they bought the cow
> from Michigan. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots
> of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and
> very happy.
> The townspeople decided to acquire a bull to mate with
> the cow and produce more cows like this wonderful
> Michigan cow. Then they would never have to worry
> about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and
> put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However,
> whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would
> move. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow
> would just move away from the bull and he could not
> succeed in his amorous quest.
> The townspeople were very upset and decided to ask a
> local retired professor who was very wise in such
> complicated matters just what they should do. They
> told the professor what was happening.
> "When ever the bull approaches cow, she moves away. If
> he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When
> he approaches her from the front, she moves to the
> back. An approach from the side and she just walks
> away to the other side."
> The retired professor thought about this for a minute
> and then asked, "Did you buy this cow from Michigan?"
> The townspeople were dumbfounded, since they had never
> mentioned where they had gotten the cow."You are truly
> a wise professor," they said. "How did you know we got
> the cow from Michigan?"
> The professor answered sagely, "My wife is from Michigan..."
> Viagra is now available in liquid form. FDA
> > >officials today announced the release of the wonder
> > >drug, Viagra, in a new, easy-to-take liquid form.
> > >It is sold under the name "Mydixadud." Now, when
> > >men come home from work in the evening, they can pour
> > >themselves a stiff one.