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  • Subject: (no subject)
  • From: ShayDguy@aol.com
  • Date: Wed, 16 May 2001 12:47:13 EDT

> Actual quotes by Commentators at various sporting
> events:
> "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her
> mother." (Ted Walsh -  Horse Racing Commentator)
> "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one
> behind it which  is identical" (Murray Walker)
> "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
> father" (Greg Norman)
> "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing -
> but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
> "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
> expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
> "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it -
> you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)
> "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge
> president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
> (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
> "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
> eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)
> "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening
> his legs and showing his class". (David Coleman at The
> Montreal Olympics)
> "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
> so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes
> out his balls and kisses them......Oh my God, what
> have I just said?" (USTV commentator - Sandi).

> Subject: Fwd: Church Bulletin Bloopers...........................:-)
>1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
>recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>2. . Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
>invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.is done.
>3. . The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
>lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
>4. . Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the
>back door.
>5. . The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
>sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
>6. . A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
>7. . Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
>8. . The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
>Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
>9. . Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
>10. . The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
>David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
>11. .Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
>milk will please come early.
>12. . A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
>will follow.
>13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
>Come early and listen to our choir practice.
>14. . Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
>Please use large double door at the side entrance.
>15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
>16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing
>for the girth of their first child.
>17. . The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
>green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
>18. . The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
>slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
>19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
>20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
>21. . For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
>22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
>an egg on the altar.
>23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies
>will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
>24. . Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
>several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
>sinning to join the choir.

Sarg walks into a T-shirt store and on the walls there where three
T-shirts on display for sale.
The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white
mustache and below the picture it was titled: "got milk" The second row
of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the white mustache and
it was titled: "forgot milk" And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a
white mustache and under her it was titled: "it's not milk!"

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs
to borrow the   money from  the bank. The banker who
lent the money comes by a week   later to see how his
investment is doing. The farmer complains that   the
bull just eats grass and  wont even look at the cows.
The banker   suggests that a veterinarian have a look
at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet
helped. The farmer   looks very pleased "The bull has
serviced all my cows, broke through   the fence, and
has serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of
taste like peppermint."

A wanton young lady from Wimbley
 Reproached for not acting quite primly
 Said, "Heavens above!
 I know sex isn't love
But it's such an entrancing facsimile!"

There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?
 If he found himself nude
 With a gal in the mood,
The question’s not woody, but could he?

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when
one of them mentioned the fact that while there were
numerous terms for male masturbation -- jerking off,
wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on - - there
weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one
of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking
off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to
have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years
of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."

> Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew
> [Please note...these are all #1 ON PURPOSE!]
>            1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's
> put it down.
>          1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
> attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys' fear getting
> married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are
> stuck with her.
>            1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to
> if we can find the perfect present yet again!
>            1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
> answer you do not want to hear.
> 1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
> 1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
> prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
> monster trucks.
>          1. Sunday = sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of
> the tides.  Let it be.
> 1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think
> of it that way.
>            1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
> fine. Really.
>            1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
>            1. Crying is blackmail.
> 1. Your ex-boyfriend/ex-husband is an idiot.
> 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
> hints do not work.  Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work.
> Just say it!
>            1. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark
> anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
>            1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops.  What makes you
> think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
> good with your dress?
> 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every

> question.
>            1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
> That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>            1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
>            1. Check your oil. Please.
>            1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
> In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
>            1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
> the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>            1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
> it done--not both.   If you already know best how to do it, just do it
> yourself.
> 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
> commercials.
>            1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do
> we.
> 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default
> Peach, for example, peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
> We have no idea what Mauve is.
>            1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
> reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
>            1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
> like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
> hassle.

An older couple, living apart, had been dating
for a number of years.  One day Morris says to Sherry,
"We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two
rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate
food and cooking separate meals.
.....We should just move in together."

Sherry: "Whose house would we live in?"
Morris: "Mine, it is paid for."
Sherry: "Whose car would we keep and pay insurance
Morris: "Yours, it is newer and runs better than
Sherry: "Who would do the cooking?"
Morris: "You cook and I'll do the dishes."
Sherry: What about sex?"
Morris: "Infrequently."
Sherry: "Is that one word or two?"

> To Everyone,
> I just got this stock tip from a friend.
> Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on
> the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the
> market by storm.
> This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends and
> family that they consider buying stock in the company.
> The drug is called "Ginko Viagra," and its function is to help you
> remember what the f*ck you are doing.

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a

short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex
life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard
from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The
card said nothing but "Nescafe".

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar. It said: "Good 'til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was
pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and
thecard read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom no

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