To: Governor Bush and Vice President Gore
As you both know, many Americans regard our recent Presidential
a choice of the lesser evil. When it came time to decide
which of you we hated the least, we the people were hopelessly deadlocked.
Frankly, you both give us the creeps.
At this point, it is clear that if Mr. Bush wins the recount,
the Democrats will file lawsuits for every idiot voter in Florida, and
we will hear endless griping about butterfly ballots and hanging chads.
If Mr. Gore wins, the Republicans who tried to steal the last election
with a fellatiocentric impeachment will no doubt engage in a similar abuse
of the legal system.
Either way, the wrangling will drag on for years. Whoever
wins will be regarded as a cheater; whoever loses will be seen as a whiner.
There is only one way to end the squabbling.
We propose a duel to the death -- on the open seas outside
U.S. territorial limits (or in Texas), in front of an international team
of observers and a worldwide television audience.
Many great American statesmen, including Andrew Jackson
and Henry Clay, engaged in duels on the field of honor. As one of you may
know, the most famous duel in American history was between Alexander Hamilton
and Aaron Burr. After a humiliating defeat for the Presidency (involving
a tied vote in the Electoral College and 35 successive
tied votes in the House), Burr found revenge on
the field of honor.
Candidates, we implore you: be like those guys. Settle
your differences between yourselves, like men. Think of the satisfaction
of doing by bullet what you were unable to do by ballot.
Governor Bush, you were young when you decided not to
risk your life for your country; now you have a rare second chance. We
cannot imagine a more graphic demonstration of your steadfast support for
capital punishment. Furthermore, there's nothing like a quick shoot-out
to put an end to all this unnecessary "vote counting" and procedural folderol.
Vice President Gore, this is your chance to demonstrate
your superior gun control. With a single, well-aimed shot from a legally
registered handgun, you can teach Governor Bush a lesson about the environment
by making him part of it. Exercise your freedom of choice by aborting the
Governor's presidential aspirations, not to mention his life.
Gentlemen, it is time to settle this thing once and for
all. We appreciate that you are willing to lie, cheat or steal to win this
election, but that is not enough. You must be willing to die for the good
of the nation.
P.S. If it should happen that both of you are mortally
wounded in this contest, we trust that our great Republic shall find some
way to endure the loss.
The Presidential Duel to the Death Petition to Governor
Bush and Vice
President Gore was created by Citizens of the United
States of America and
written by Earl Vickers. This petition is hosted
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