Off Topic, BUT NOT POLITICAL ;-)


A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is
tossing a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the
wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his
throat.
He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts
panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed middle-aged, serious woman in a blue business suit is
sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her
coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places
it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried
way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of
the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more
firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
25-cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the
boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the
coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her
saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."




Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

 One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
 
 "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what 
is it?"

 "Well, its when you get your mate down on all fours, and you mount her from  
behind. You then reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands 
and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."

  And then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.




A Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough 
(they could not afford a larger double wide).  So, the husband went to his 
doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin 
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could 
fix the problem.  The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb 
(fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold 
the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't 
see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help 
me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia 
physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy 
when he noticed that they were from Alabama.  This doctor instead told the 
man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold 
it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home,  
lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and 
began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer 
can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand....

Also works in Tennessee and Kentucky and Arkansas. 





The children of a Jewish family decided to send their Bubbe on a cruise.

> Bubbe boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He
> looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have"U.D."
> She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
> He said, "U.D". is Upper Deck."
> She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser
> there and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D.,you also have
O.C."
> Bubbe replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
> The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
> Bubbe, needless to say, was delighted.
> She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see
that
>you
>
> also have B.I.B."
> "B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked Bubbe.
> The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
> "Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful." Well,
>the
> next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room
with
> trays of food for her Breakfast In Bed and she said,
> "F.U.C.K" Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean
> F.U.C.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K.
> First U Could Knock!





Really Bad Pick-Up Lines

1.  I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

2.  (Lick finger and wipe on his shirt)
      Let's get you out of these wet  clothes.

3.  Nice legs...what time do they open?

4.  Do you work for UPS?
     I thought I saw you checking out my package.

5.  You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6.  Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7.  I may not be the best looking guy in here,
     but I'm the only one talking to you.

8.  I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a
     Big Dicked Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

10. I'm fighting the urge to make you the
       happiest man on earth tonight.

11. Wanna play army?
       I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

12. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside the SuperMarket,
       so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

13. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

14. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

15. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

16. You might not be the best looking guy here,
        but beauty is only a light switch away.

17. Are those real?

18. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

19. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles,
      and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

20. If it's true that we are what we eat,
      then I could be you by morning.

21. (Look down at your crotch)
       Well It's not just going to suck itself.

22. You know, if I were you,
       I'd have sex with me.

23. You. Me.
       Whipped cream.
       Handcuffs.
       Any questions?

24. F @# me if I'm wrong,
       but is your name Hella Tightbottom?

25. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap
       on my bedroom floor.

26. My name is Joe...remember that,
       you'll be screaming it later.

27. Do you believe in love at first sight
       or should I walk by again?

28. Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
       Someone said you were looking for me.

29. I know milk does a body good,
       but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

30. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex?
       No?
       Why, don't you like pizza?




 
 For those of you with dogs, a refresher.  For those of you who have told me
 that
 you are once again shopping for a puppy these are even more important.  They
 never covered most of them in our puppy training classes!
 
 
 
 Things I MUST remember as a dog:
 
 1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
 
 2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
 coffee table.
 
 3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
 
 4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
 
 5. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
 
 6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
 the house when I am about to get sick.
 
 7. I will not throw up in the car.
 
 8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
 
 9. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
 
 10. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard
 after processing.
 
 11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
 
 12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
 
 13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my
 people will think I am hemorrhaging.
 
 14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when
 it's raining outside.
 
 15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
 
 16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard
 with it.
 
 17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
 
 18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
 
 19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's
 license and car registration.
 
 20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
 




 >> >
 >> > A couple drove several miles down a country road, not
 >> > saying a word.
 >> > An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither
 >> > wanted to concede
 >> > their position.
 >> > As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
 >> > sarcastically
 >> > asked,
 >> > "Relatives of yours?"
 >> > "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
 >> >




> There was a farmer who was in the fertilized egg business. He had
 > several hundred young pullets and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was
 to
 > fertilize the eggs.
 >
 > He kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well
 went
  into
 > the pot and was replaced.  Now all this record-keeping was very
 time
 > consuming.  So when he saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang
 a
 > different tone, he promptly bought them.
 >
 > He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell
 wouldn't
 > ring except when violently shaken.  He hung a bell on each rooster's
 neck
 > and went and mixed a Mint Julep.
 >
 > Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency
 > report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the
 bells
  and
 > marking down each encounter.
 >
 > His favorite rooster was old Brewster.  A very fine specimen he was,
 > but his bell did not ring all morning.  The farmer went to
 investigate.
 > Several of the roosters were chasing pullets, with bells a-ringing.
 > Brewster  had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up
 
 on a
 > pullet, do  his job and walk on to the next one.
 >
 > The farmer was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the
 > county fair.  Brewster was an overnight sensation.  They not only
 > awarded him the no bell piece prize, but also the pullet surprise.
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