Fw: Secret P.E.C. Council Meeting



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>
> 
> A new Bylaw was passed yeterday at a secret meeting of the above
> Council. It laid out a new policy to be implimented by the new incoming
> Council. It was proposed by Jim Scrooge and seconded by Dick Basher ably
> assisted by the ex 'Prinz of Bloomfield'.
> 
> 
> 
> >New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy
> >
> >Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being
> >implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
> >
> >   1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never
produced
> >the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
> >providing considerable savings in maintenance;
> >
> >   2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
> >effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
> >condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
> >
> >   3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
loves the
> >French;
> >   4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail
> >system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine
who
> >the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
> >
> >   5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors.
> >Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
> >implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious
> >metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear
to be
> >in order;
> >
> >   6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
> >afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose
> >per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three
geese
> >will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will
> >assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good
one;
> >
> >   7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times.
> >The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
> >current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby
enhancing
> >their outplacement;
> >
> >   8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy
> >scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought.
> >The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward
mobility.
> >Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring
> >or a-mulching;
> >
> >   9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be
> >phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps;
> >
> >   10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the
> >expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee
to
> >suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
leaping
> >ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we
expect
> >an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
> >
> >   11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
case of
> >the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on
> >new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right
to the
> >bottom line;
> >
> >Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
> >animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
> >stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop
ship in
> >one day, service levels will be improved.
> >
> >Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to
> >include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is
> >pending.
> >
> >Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should
that
> >happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White
> >Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
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