Fear and Loathing in Pumpkin Land
I have a confession to make. The rumors of my
insidious schemes are true and I am guilty. I
conspired with the devious Hera to scare the holy
bejesus out of the growers from the Pacific Northwest
and run their mossy hides out of Half Moon Bay. This
was a terrible decision on my part because now the
Pacific Northwest is holding back on providing cheap
electricity to California and much of Northern
California is in the dark. I am ashamed of this, but
I must take full responsibility.
It is also true that I did not bring a pumpkin to the
Half Moon Bay weigh-off. It was really a squash
colored a suspicious shade of orange. This was
overlooked by the judges who ruled it the third
biggest pumpkin grown in California last year. Any
claims that the adventures of Hera and the other
goddesses were written primarily for the entertainment
of the members of this mailing list are pure
poppycock.
Other charges leveled against me by certain members of
this list are also true. I have been known to molest
small children and have also shared cardinal
relationships with other species including innocent
farm animals. The sexual confusion caused by my poor
choice of pen names caused Gerry Checkon’s 1131 pound
pumpkin to be without seed last year, and so
disoriented Kirk Mombert that he decided not to grow
orange pumpkins anymore and will now focus on squash.
In light of the above, my current designation as an
“it” or “whatever” is very appropriate.
For those who avoided Half Moon Bay for fear of being
thrashed by the hideous Hera, I extend the sincerest
of apologies. Hera has been punished for her sins.
She has been publicly humiliated, drawn and quartered
and candy made out of her body parts. Her seed has
been sent to the Four Corners of the planet and I
plowed her treasured “Temple of Beans” into the dirt.
I, however, am still at large and my underhanded
schemes to win that truck at Half Moon Bay continue
unabated. I still want that truck. Even if I have to
grow a really big pumpkin to do it – I’ll do it. Yes,
God help me, I swear! If there is a huge spike up in
the price of fish emulsion this year, you’ll know why.
– Nothing can stop me. Hah, hah, hah, hah!
vince
fourth year grower
best 789, 2000
zone 9, the ambiguity zone
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