Stories of Lust and Despair from the Secret Patch

This year - for reasons that can't be revealed and no one must
ever discover - I am growing giant pumpkins in a secret patch. 
The patch is tucked away near a creek at the end of a narrow
dirt road and shrouded in mist every day so that not even the
surveillance planes with their infrared cameras can find it. 
Don't ever try to follow me when I make the perilous journey to
the patch or you will be pelted with horse apples by hidden
people unknown...

There is a method to my madness I assure you - for I am on a
peculiar and single-minded quest - to develop a giant pumpkin
cross that is big, beautiful and very orange.  I know this is a
strange desire in the giant pumpkin world where the mantra:
big, heavy and butt ugly rules - so I must take precautions. 
If this got out to the grower community, they would all
naturally assume that I'm insane...

I'm growing two plants in the secret patch - the genetics of
which can't be revealed.  My co-conspirator (someone with the
best credentials, that no one would suspect, and a glutton for
punishment) is growing 18 or so plants around my two to provide
yet another layer of security.

Progress in the patch so far is typical for any giant pumpkin
grower.  Every night armies of raccoons invade, rooting around,
eating the tips off vines, and scratching the pumpkins. (I
think fish emulsion is not the best idea in a place like this.)
 The constant mist is a nice touch, but most the pumpkins that
have survived the embraces of the coons are growing so slowly
in the cool air that the "big" part of the equation is somewhat
dubious.

Mist also implies damp and one of my two plants has already
developed stump rot and probably will not reach the finish
line.  I guess it's no matter - the first fruit on the main was
gouged badly by the coons, the second was malformed and the
third has aborted itself in disgust.  Of course, I had already
culled the next two, so that about sums it up.

My hosts, however, have a few plants that are - well,
remarkable.  There is one plant that I must tell you about
because it is so extraordinary... I was tending to my plants in
the misty morning hours - it was still only half-light.  I
looked up to see a truly wondrous sight - a strange yellow glow
beaming from the dark interior of one of my host's plants.  

I walked over to this plant to determine the source of the
light and I find - an open female flower larger than any I have
ever seen, larger than my open hand, radiating light like a
dozen fireflies on steroids and undulating her shimmering
petals most enticingly.  In the center of this glimmering
yellow womb, six large perfectly symmetrical lobes beckoned
with such yearning you could feel the ache.  As I approached
this seductive flower, the remainder of my senses were also
assaulted.  A musty perfume overwhelmed my nostrils and the cup
of the flower shimmered with honey so sweet I could taste it on
my lips...  

All this fantastic allure to attract a lousy bee??  If only
earth girls could express their desires so clearly...

Well, I could go on but it doesn't much matter because the
flower was 5 feet from the stump on the main so it was
removed...  The next female on this plant showed up at about 11
feet and before it could open a coon ate the main tip just a
foot beyond the bud.  When the bud finally opened, the lobes
were hopelessly deformed...

This atrocity must have really pissed the plant off because it
responded by growing so aggressively that even the coons were
intimidated.  Side vines started sprouting every 6 to 8 inches
on huge burly vines with wildly whipping tentacles.  The
secondaries on one side flew out in rage and overwhelmed the
main on the 1105 Stucker.  A scary sight to behold if you've
never seen it before, let me tell you.  

I have seen this kind of aggression before in two plants I've
had - so I know enough to keep my distance.  First there was
Hera, the heretic, who used to eat dogs and frighten the
neighborhood children.  Her final insult was to turn her fruit
a hideous blue-green.  Then, I told you about Beowolf, the
dragon slayer - some mornings I would find strangled moles
hanging lifeless from his tentacles, like trophies on the
wall...  So I know my gentle hosts have their hands full - They
are even talking now about an electric fence - not for the
coons but to contain this plant.

Anyway, the plant is also setting pumpkins everywhere - over 20
have open pollinated so far - many already the size of
footballs.  The plant has so much juice that all the fruit have
multiple blossom end splits and the blossom stubs inflated to
the size of coffee cups.   I've never seen anything quite like
this before.  My theory is that the plant vigor you see
expressed in the leaves and the resulting fruit are all a
function of the part you don't see - the root system.  This one
must have tapped into the mother lode...

There are more stories in the secret patch to tell but this
missive is getting overly long and I must sign off before I am
detected.  Grow them big and orange and best of luck


vince
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