Re: Stories of Lust and Despair from the Secret Patch

Vince,

Great writing.  I am growing some of your seeds, but have so damn many
cucumber beetles they eat sevin like its desert.

Russ
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "vince" <anaid_tecuod@yahoo.com>
To: <pumpkins@hort.net>
Sent: Sunday, July 31, 2005 2:31 PM
Subject: Stories of Lust and Despair from the Secret Patch


> This year - for reasons that can't be revealed and no one must
> ever discover - I am growing giant pumpkins in a secret patch.
> The patch is tucked away near a creek at the end of a narrow
> dirt road and shrouded in mist every day so that not even the
> surveillance planes with their infrared cameras can find it.
> Don't ever try to follow me when I make the perilous journey to
> the patch or you will be pelted with horse apples by hidden
> people unknown...
>
> There is a method to my madness I assure you - for I am on a
> peculiar and single-minded quest - to develop a giant pumpkin
> cross that is big, beautiful and very orange.  I know this is a
> strange desire in the giant pumpkin world where the mantra:
> big, heavy and butt ugly rules - so I must take precautions.
> If this got out to the grower community, they would all
> naturally assume that I'm insane...
>
> I'm growing two plants in the secret patch - the genetics of
> which can't be revealed.  My co-conspirator (someone with the
> best credentials, that no one would suspect, and a glutton for
> punishment) is growing 18 or so plants around my two to provide
> yet another layer of security.
>
> Progress in the patch so far is typical for any giant pumpkin
> grower.  Every night armies of raccoons invade, rooting around,
> eating the tips off vines, and scratching the pumpkins. (I
> think fish emulsion is not the best idea in a place like this.)
>  The constant mist is a nice touch, but most the pumpkins that
> have survived the embraces of the coons are growing so slowly
> in the cool air that the "big" part of the equation is somewhat
> dubious.
>
> Mist also implies damp and one of my two plants has already
> developed stump rot and probably will not reach the finish
> line.  I guess it's no matter - the first fruit on the main was
> gouged badly by the coons, the second was malformed and the
> third has aborted itself in disgust.  Of course, I had already
> culled the next two, so that about sums it up.
>
> My hosts, however, have a few plants that are - well,
> remarkable.  There is one plant that I must tell you about
> because it is so extraordinary... I was tending to my plants in
> the misty morning hours - it was still only half-light.  I
> looked up to see a truly wondrous sight - a strange yellow glow
> beaming from the dark interior of one of my host's plants.
>
> I walked over to this plant to determine the source of the
> light and I find - an open female flower larger than any I have
> ever seen, larger than my open hand, radiating light like a
> dozen fireflies on steroids and undulating her shimmering
> petals most enticingly.  In the center of this glimmering
> yellow womb, six large perfectly symmetrical lobes beckoned
> with such yearning you could feel the ache.  As I approached
> this seductive flower, the remainder of my senses were also
> assaulted.  A musty perfume overwhelmed my nostrils and the cup
> of the flower shimmered with honey so sweet I could taste it on
> my lips...
>
> All this fantastic allure to attract a lousy bee??  If only
> earth girls could express their desires so clearly...
>
> Well, I could go on but it doesn't much matter because the
> flower was 5 feet from the stump on the main so it was
> removed...  The next female on this plant showed up at about 11
> feet and before it could open a coon ate the main tip just a
> foot beyond the bud.  When the bud finally opened, the lobes
> were hopelessly deformed...
>
> This atrocity must have really pissed the plant off because it
> responded by growing so aggressively that even the coons were
> intimidated.  Side vines started sprouting every 6 to 8 inches
> on huge burly vines with wildly whipping tentacles.  The
> secondaries on one side flew out in rage and overwhelmed the
> main on the 1105 Stucker.  A scary sight to behold if you've
> never seen it before, let me tell you.
>
> I have seen this kind of aggression before in two plants I've
> had - so I know enough to keep my distance.  First there was
> Hera, the heretic, who used to eat dogs and frighten the
> neighborhood children.  Her final insult was to turn her fruit
> a hideous blue-green.  Then, I told you about Beowolf, the
> dragon slayer - some mornings I would find strangled moles
> hanging lifeless from his tentacles, like trophies on the
> wall...  So I know my gentle hosts have their hands full - They
> are even talking now about an electric fence - not for the
> coons but to contain this plant.
>
> Anyway, the plant is also setting pumpkins everywhere - over 20
> have open pollinated so far - many already the size of
> footballs.  The plant has so much juice that all the fruit have
> multiple blossom end splits and the blossom stubs inflated to
> the size of coffee cups.   I've never seen anything quite like
> this before.  My theory is that the plant vigor you see
> expressed in the leaves and the resulting fruit are all a
> function of the part you don't see - the root system.  This one
> must have tapped into the mother lode...
>
> There are more stories in the secret patch to tell but this
> missive is getting overly long and I must sign off before I am
> detected.  Grow them big and orange and best of luck
>
>
> vince
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>
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