Fwd: FW: Funnies! :)

j* p*

--- "Smith, Timothy" <smitht@az.ngb.army.mil> wrote:
> From: "Smith, Timothy" <smitht@az.ngb.army.mil>
> To: "Bolson, Julie" <bolsonj@az.ngb.army.mil>,
> "Branding, Art"
> 	 <brandinga@az.ngb.army.mil>, "Cook, Larry"
> <cookl@az.ngb.army.mil>, 
> 	"Forbus, Terry" <forbust@az.ngb.army.mil>,
> "Forshey, Paul"
> 	 <ForsheyP@az.ngb.army.mil>, "Jensen, Paul"
> <jensenp@az.ngb.army.mil>, 
> 	"Jones, Jim E Mr NGB-ARNG"
> <Jim.Jones@ngb-arng.ngb.army.mil>, 
> 	"'KATHY STANHOUSE, AK'"
> <stanhousk@ak-arng.ngb.army.mil>, "Kiddoo, Renee"
> 	 <kiddoor@az.ngb.army.mil>, "'ksmith@speedfam.com'"
> <ksmith@speedfam.com>, 
> 	"'LT Nona Carlson, WY, HSS'"
> <carlsonn@wy-arng.army.mil>, 'MAJ Fisher'
> 	 <marilyn.fisher@nw.amedd.army.mil>, "Scott,
> Kamila"
> 	 <scottk@az.ngb.army.mil>, stanisch
> <dixie438@hotmail.com>, 
> 	"Stanton, Madeleine" <stantonM@az.ngb.army.mil>, 
> 	"'theoriginalcactusjack@yahoo.com'"
> <theoriginalcactusjack@yahoo.com>, 
> 	"Ybarra, Rita" <YbarraR@az.ngb.army.mil>
> Subject: FW: Funnies! :)
> Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 07:25:58 -0700
> 
> 
> 
> 
> > Men:
> > 
> >  Men are like......Bananas.
> >   The older they get, the less firm they are.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
> >   Without a lot of money, they don't generate much
> interest.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Bank Machines.
> >   Once they withdraw they lose interest
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Bike helmets.
> >   Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just
> LOOK SILLY
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Blenders.
> >   You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Cement.
> >   After getting laid, they take a long time to get
> hard.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
> >   Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for
> your hips.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Coffee
> >   The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you
> up all night long.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Commercials.
> >   You can't believe a word they say.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Computers
> >   Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Coolers.
> >   Load them with beer and you can take them
> anywhere.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Copiers.
> >   You need them for reproduction, but that's about
> it.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Curling irons.
> >   They're always hot, and they're always in your
> hair.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Department Stores.
> >   Their clothes should always be half off.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Government bonds.
> >   They take so long to mature.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....High heels.
> >   They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of
> it.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Horoscopes.
> >   They always tell you what to do and are usually
> wrong.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
> >   If you're not pushing one around, then you're
> riding it.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Lava lamps.
> >   Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Laxatives.
> >   They irritate the shit out of you.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Mascara.
> >   They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Mini skirts.
> >   If you're not careful, they'll creep up your
> legs.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Noodles.
> >   They're always in hot water, they lack taste,
> and they need dough.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Parking spots.
> >   The good ones are already taken and the ones
> that are left are
> >   handicapped or extremely small.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Plungers.
> >   They spend most of their lives in a hardware
> store or the bathroom.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Popcorn.
> >   They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Placemats.
> >   They only show up when there's food on the
> table.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Snowstorms.
> >   You never know when he's coming, how many inches
> you'll get or how
> >   long he will last.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Used Cars.
> >   Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Vacations.
> >   They never seem to be long enough.
> > 
> >   Men are like.....Weather.
> >   Nothing can be done to change either one of
> them.
> > 
> >
>
**************************************************************
> > 
> > Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the
> sweaty things.
> > 
> > To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not
> be able to
> > say it.
> > 
> > Never underestimate the power of stupid people in
> large groups.
> > 
> >
>
*************************************************************
> >  Old & New concerns for the baby boomers
> > 
> >  Then: Long hair.
> >  Now: Longing for hair.
> > 
> >  Then: Keg
> >  Now: EKG.
> > 
> >  Then: Acid rock
> >  Now: Acid reflux.
> > 
> >  Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
> >  Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
> > 
> >  Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with
> your parents.
> >  Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with
> your kids.
> > 
> >  Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or
> Elizabeth Taylor.
> >  Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or
> Elizabeth Taylor.
> > 
> >  Then: Seeds and stems.
> >  Now: Roughage.
> > 
> >  Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
> >  Now: Popping joints.
> > 
> >  Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
> >  Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
> > 
> >  Then: Paar.
> >  Now: AARP.
> > 
> >  Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
> >  Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.
> > 
> >  Then: Killer weed.
> >  Now: Weed killer.
> > 
> >  Then: Hoping for a BMW.
> >  Now: Hoping for a BM.
> > 
> >  Then: The Grateful Dead.
> >  Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
> > 
> >  Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
> >  Now: Getting a new hip joint.
> > 
> >
>
*************************************************************
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > 
> >  Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
> > 
> >     1.  I can please only one person per day. 
> Today is not your day.
> >          Tomorrow isn't looking too good, either.
> > 
> >     2.  I love deadlines.  I especially like the
> whooshing sound the
> >          make as they go flying by.
> > 
> >     3.  Am I getting smart with you?  How would
> you know?
> > 
> >     4.  I would explain it to you, but your brain
> would explode.
> > 
> >     5.  Someday we'll look back on all of this and
> plow into a parked
> >          car.
> > 
> >     6.  There are few personal problems that can't
> be solved by the
> >           suitable application of high explosives.
> > 
> >     7.  Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you
> how to get along
> >           without it.
> > 
> >     8.  Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
> and some days you're
> >          the statue.
> > 
> >     9.  Needing someone is like needing a
> parachute.  If he isn't
> >           there the first time you need him,
> chances are you won't
> >           be needing him again.
> > 
> >     10.  I don't have an attitude problem.  You
> have a perception
> >             problem.
> > 
> >     11.  Last night I lay in bed, looking up at
> the stars in the sky,
> >            and I thought to myself, "Where the
> hell is the ceiling?!"
> > 
> >     12.  My reality check bounced.
> > 
> >     13.  On the keyboard of life, always keep one
> finger on the
> >             escape key.
> > 
> >     14.  I don't suffer from stress; I'm a
> carrier.
> > 
> >     15.  You are slower than a heard of turtles
> stampeding through a
> >             puddle of peanut butter.
> > 
> >     16.  Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons
> because, to them,
> >            you are crunchy and taste good with
> ketchup.
> > 
> >     17.  Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
> > 
> >     18.  Never argue with an idiot.  They drag you
> down to their
> >            level, then beat you with experience.
> > 
> > 
> > 
> 

=====

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