Fwd: FW: Funnies! :)
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- Subject: [cg] Fwd: FW: Funnies! :)
- From: john peder <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 17:10:27 -0700 (PDT)
--- "Smith, Timothy" <email@example.com> wrote:
> From: "Smith, Timothy" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
> To: "Bolson, Julie" <email@example.com>,
> "Branding, Art"
> <firstname.lastname@example.org>, "Cook, Larry"
> "Forbus, Terry" <email@example.com>,
> "Forshey, Paul"
> <ForsheyP@az.ngb.army.mil>, "Jensen, Paul"
> "Jones, Jim E Mr NGB-ARNG"
> "'KATHY STANHOUSE, AK'"
> <firstname.lastname@example.org>, "Kiddoo, Renee"
> <email@example.com>, "'firstname.lastname@example.org'"
> "'LT Nona Carlson, WY, HSS'"
> <email@example.com>, 'MAJ Fisher'
> <firstname.lastname@example.org>, "Scott,
> <email@example.com>, stanisch
> "Stanton, Madeleine" <stantonM@az.ngb.army.mil>,
> "Ybarra, Rita" <YbarraR@az.ngb.army.mil>
> Subject: FW: Funnies! :)
> Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 07:25:58 -0700
> > Men:
> > Men are like......Bananas.
> > The older they get, the less firm they are.
> > Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
> > Without a lot of money, they don't generate much
> > Men are like.....Bank Machines.
> > Once they withdraw they lose interest
> > Men are like.....Bike helmets.
> > Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just
> LOOK SILLY
> > Men are like.....Blenders.
> > You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
> > Men are like.....Cement.
> > After getting laid, they take a long time to get
> > Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
> > Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for
> your hips.
> > Men are like.....Coffee
> > The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you
> up all night long.
> > Men are like.....Commercials.
> > You can't believe a word they say.
> > Men are like.....Computers
> > Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
> > Men are like.....Coolers.
> > Load them with beer and you can take them
> > Men are like.....Copiers.
> > You need them for reproduction, but that's about
> > Men are like.....Curling irons.
> > They're always hot, and they're always in your
> > Men are like.....Department Stores.
> > Their clothes should always be half off.
> > Men are like.....Government bonds.
> > They take so long to mature.
> > Men are like.....High heels.
> > They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of
> > Men are like.....Horoscopes.
> > They always tell you what to do and are usually
> > Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
> > If you're not pushing one around, then you're
> riding it.
> > Men are like.....Lava lamps.
> > Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
> > Men are like.....Laxatives.
> > They irritate the shit out of you.
> > Men are like.....Mascara.
> > They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
> > Men are like.....Mini skirts.
> > If you're not careful, they'll creep up your
> > Men are like.....Noodles.
> > They're always in hot water, they lack taste,
> and they need dough.
> > Men are like.....Parking spots.
> > The good ones are already taken and the ones
> that are left are
> > handicapped or extremely small.
> > Men are like.....Plungers.
> > They spend most of their lives in a hardware
> store or the bathroom.
> > Men are like.....Popcorn.
> > They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
> > Men are like.....Placemats.
> > They only show up when there's food on the
> > Men are like.....Snowstorms.
> > You never know when he's coming, how many inches
> you'll get or how
> > long he will last.
> > Men are like.....Used Cars.
> > Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
> > Men are like.....Vacations.
> > They never seem to be long enough.
> > Men are like.....Weather.
> > Nothing can be done to change either one of
> > Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the
> sweaty things.
> > To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not
> be able to
> > say it.
> > Never underestimate the power of stupid people in
> large groups.
> > Old & New concerns for the baby boomers
> > Then: Long hair.
> > Now: Longing for hair.
> > Then: Keg
> > Now: EKG.
> > Then: Acid rock
> > Now: Acid reflux.
> > Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
> > Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
> > Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with
> your parents.
> > Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with
> your kids.
> > Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or
> Elizabeth Taylor.
> > Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or
> Elizabeth Taylor.
> > Then: Seeds and stems.
> > Now: Roughage.
> > Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
> > Now: Popping joints.
> > Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
> > Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
> > Then: Paar.
> > Now: AARP.
> > Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
> > Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.
> > Then: Killer weed.
> > Now: Weed killer.
> > Then: Hoping for a BMW.
> > Now: Hoping for a BM.
> > Then: The Grateful Dead.
> > Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
> > Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
> > Now: Getting a new hip joint.
> > Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
> > 1. I can please only one person per day.
> Today is not your day.
> > Tomorrow isn't looking too good, either.
> > 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the
> whooshing sound the
> > make as they go flying by.
> > 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would
> you know?
> > 4. I would explain it to you, but your brain
> would explode.
> > 5. Someday we'll look back on all of this and
> plow into a parked
> > car.
> > 6. There are few personal problems that can't
> be solved by the
> > suitable application of high explosives.
> > 7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you
> how to get along
> > without it.
> > 8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
> and some days you're
> > the statue.
> > 9. Needing someone is like needing a
> parachute. If he isn't
> > there the first time you need him,
> chances are you won't
> > be needing him again.
> > 10. I don't have an attitude problem. You
> have a perception
> > problem.
> > 11. Last night I lay in bed, looking up at
> the stars in the sky,
> > and I thought to myself, "Where the
> hell is the ceiling?!"
> > 12. My reality check bounced.
> > 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one
> finger on the
> > escape key.
> > 14. I don't suffer from stress; I'm a
> > 15. You are slower than a heard of turtles
> stampeding through a
> > puddle of peanut butter.
> > 16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons
> because, to them,
> > you are crunchy and taste good with
> > 17. Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
> > 18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you
> down to their
> > level, then beat you with experience.
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