Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment. Since she had
to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the
mat. "Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother
you. But, whatever you do, ...do NOT under any circumstances talk to my
When the repairman arrived at Mrs.Davidson's apartment the next day, he
discovered the biggest and meanest looking doberman he had ever seen. But,
just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the
repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the
parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled:
"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike!"
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and
has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I
got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I
think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I
was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot
and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her
in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his
captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and
the captain approached the driver to handle the tense
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I
can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was
told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who
stopped you said you told him you didn't have a
license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying bastard told
you I was speeding, too.
When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
* No Taxes...
* No Debt...
* Plenty Buffalo...
* Plenty beaver!
* Women did most of the work.
* Medicine Man free!
* Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
* White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like
Subject: What's YOUR Alma Mater?
In the bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a farmer were
standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and
literally scrubbing his hands ...clear up to his elbows....he used about
20 paper towels before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from
The University of Michigan and they taught us to be sanitary."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his
fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from Purdue
and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The farmer zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I
graduated from Michigan State.......and they taught us not to p*ss
on our hands